Are you unwillingly sabotaging your relationship? 5 ways to show how you might be.
Unless it is based on facts or you truly get a gut wrenching feeling about your relationship going down the drain, you should consider that you might be unwillingly sabotaging your relationship.
- You are focusing on the negative and not the positive. Is your natural instinct to see the positive or the negative side of a situation? Every relationship is different. Unless it’s an abusive relationship, there’s no right or wrong really. Things happen and you are either equipped to make the best of it or you choose to follow the slippy negative slope of poopy-ness. Why not take the easiest road? The one that leads you to believing that, no matter the situation, there is a lesson to be learned. In every relationship, rather than focusing on everything your partner does NOT, focus on what he/she does. How does he/she make you feel? Is he/she there for you? Do you feel like he/she listens to you? Do you compliment each other well? Simple as that. Actively train your brain to focus on all the GOOD. Soon enough, the bad will look surmountable and you will have created your own happiness.
- You are too busy being right that you forget about your love and affection for one another. Happy times are very memorable ones but when times are rough, that’s when you really get to see your partner’s true colors. That’s when you will learn most about one another. That’s the truth and the fine print no one tells you about. The reality is – he/she will mess up! He/She will say the wrong things, act childishly or selfishly, aversely be forgetful, fall short or have poor judgment…but so will you. Your options are the following: You could lash out desperately trying to prove that you are the most reasonable one of the pair but that’s a lonely win. You could also use strong words and say things like “you ALWAYS do this” when it is the first time this ever happened but that would makes you look like a liar and a drama king/queen. Instead of pointing blame and transforming a single slip into a pattern, why not take the high road? How about giving your partner the benefit of the doubt? Seeing things differently will make you feel lighter and turn situations into more pleasant ones. In the event that you are the one that keeps messing up, no matter how many times this month, apologize sincerely with some sort of retrospect. For example: “I am sorry, I should have been more thoughtful. I shouldn’t have ______ . What I meant was______. I hope you can see my real intentions.” Let go. Let yourself be vulnerable. Being right doesn’t bring you any closer. Nobody wants to date someone who is unpleasant to live with. I am not telling you to be a doormat. I am telling you to not sweat the small stuff. Keep your arguments for non-negotiable stuff that will arise. You can stand your ground than.
- You are taking things way too personally and…wait…why is it all about you? Consistently wondering and asking yourself what he/she did wrong is exhausting. Is that all you think about? Are you constantly wondering what his/her words and actions mean? “He said this…it must mean this. She did this…it reminds me of my ex…must be the beginning of the end. He doesn’t text me right away, mmh…I guess I am no longer a priority. She doesn’t tell me how much she loves me anymore, she obviously doesn’t care.” See! Just reading this, aren’t you exhausted? Unless it is founded (again), your issues are your own. Your partner might be perfectly happy. Just relax. Not everything is about you. It takes two.
- Stop expecting your partner to act the way you want him/her to. You are acting controlling. This controlling movie you are playing in your head is transpiring in your behavior – “He should have done this, said that, when I did/said that.” Then you get upset or act like you should be locked up because not only did you expect a certain behavior, you now firmly believe it too. We are all guilty of it. We’ve all done it but when you back up from the tree a little bit, doesn’t it sound crazy? Who said they have to act that way? They are their own person. What are you doing? You are hurting your union. Ever thought about what you look like? How does the person see you? He/she has no clue what is going on in your head. Pretty sure your partner is not a mind reader so you just made yourself look a little cookoo. I am not encouraging anyone to act according to someone else’s expectations to please or by fear of losing them. I am saying to stay true to yourself by acting like you deserve this relationship. Act like you are deserving by controlling these outbursts of emotions. Remember, the reason why you met. Focus on that. As for the partners out there, that does not excuse them, in any way, from making you feel special. I am thinking that you should pay closer attention to his actions. Maybe he/she’s showing you how much they care for you differently than they used to? Look closely. Is he buying what you need for that special spaghetti sauce you plan on making this weekend? Did he buy that hair mousse you were missing when you went on a “natural” hair bender? So he didn’t buy you flowers and woke you up with breakfast in bed, maybe you are focusing on what’s not there and forgetting what is already.
- You fail to embrace change. Time eventually changes all things and people. Circumstances will happen that will transform you both. It’s part of life but it is also detrimental to your personal growth. It will shed light on your values and beliefs. Life forces you to tweak and re-tweak what you believe in over time. Most importantly, truth is, you will both grow differently. As scary as this seems, you will have to choose between growing separate lives or honor and respect each others growth by trying to make it work. That’s your decision. The trick is to find common grounds and and to build on them. That will become your foundation. Make this your only responsibility and remember: Nothing worth fighting for is easy.
Can you relate?