It was a cold Monday morning. The first day back to work after the holidays. Woke up feeling ridiiiiiculously single.
Just in case waking up alone and single in bed wasn’t enough, I instinctively started reading into the smallest things that made my morning all the more single:
From the very first glimpse at the empty pillow next to me, I knew this was going to be one of those self-reflecting days. I turn around to find my phone with zeroooo messages. “Get out of your head Syn” I tell myself. Get up, make my one side of the bed because the other side is still crisp and perfectly tucked in. Maybe a morning workout will make me feel like a champ again so I get dressed for my morning workout. My overly ambitious self (read new year’s resolution) decides to lift really heavy this morning. In full effect, I lift…ugh! One more time….I lift….and that’s that cause I would need someone to spot me but…singleeee!
Finish the workout, time for a shower! Let’s put some music on to change the brain chemical a bit. I get in the shower, music on, rubba dub dub…I overly focus on that one spot I can’t seem to ever reach. You know that spot in your mid back that doesn’t get nearly as much love as the rest of your body?!!? Yeah that one. ergh
Ok. Maybe I need to eat! Yummy breakfast – my favorite meal of the day. Check the fridge and bring out the pots and pans only to realize that I just designed a 5 course meal…for one person. Toss the pans back in the drawer. Grab fruit.
Ooooh! I know! Maybe I need caffeine to get me going – start the #keurig. Mmmh freshly brewed gasoline.Coffee for one coming up!
Quickly look at the time. Hurry finish getting ready – put my face on and slap on that beautiful dress santa brought me to start the new year…damn zipper won’t cooperate. ergh! Zip up to the max of my capabilities. I guess I’ll have to ask my colleague to finish dressing me up like a toddler.
Ready to leave! oh no. Garbage needs a new bag so I turn on the light in the storage area…light burns out. At this point, I am now changing the light-bulb in my cute and half-zipped dress. Only one focus: try not to rip your nylons or get yourself dirty. Finally place the bag in the garbage and realize….This used to be someone else’s job. (sniff sniff)
Just get to work.
While commuting, I take advantage of that time to get rid of that overwhelming feeling of loneliness. To re-calibrate, I try to answer one question: How did I get here?
In the process I realize 2 facts about myself:
Fact# 1: While I never believed in fairy tales, I also firmly believe that no one purposely envisions themselves alone at my age. Life is meant to believed in a relationship with someone or with yourself. No matter what, you are not alone. People will always come to your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Fact# 2: I could have been married with children over and over again. I made this decision. Truth is, I would have been miserably sad and unhappy. Not that my exes weren’t good people but we didn’t have the same definition of happiness. Plus I never truly liked the process instilled by society and the pressures that came with it. I don’t believe in the order either (first you date, then you get engaged and married and hopefully you buy a house and fill it with children). It always had me puzzled. I mean, I respect it but the one thing that was always consistently clear to me was the connection. First and foremost – the unit.
…and this is what I needed to remember this morning:
Beyond the butterflies, the sleepless nights obsessing over my new found love or the nerves I felt when he would call, text or visit me, I am patiently waiting for that partnership. Instead of dreaming about a ring, a car, a house of my future unborn babies, I am day dreaming about my person. The one that will lay down a strong foundation with me. Someone who will not only have similar values as me but will also have that je ne sais quoi that’ll make my toes curl, the little hair behind my neck rise with one whip of his cologne, the one that will give me that consuming feeling of chemistry. I dream, pray and hope for the man who will say: I got you, I see you and I know you. Together, will will put together our supporting system that will allow us both to grow to our full potential. See, true love is about being able to give someone freedom to become what they were mean to become. Exploring that with them and giving them the space they need to do it. Love is about watching them grow, adjusting yourself accordingly while knowing that no matter what change they are going through, there is always a place for you.
I know it’ll take time and work to get there and establish that level of depth but I also know that unexplained feeling you get when you first meet that someone. That sudden hunch that says: “this ones different”. Call me a romantic or a dreamer but THAT’s what I’m looking for.
For now, I’ll roll over the cold side of the bed on the warmest nights and I might even make angels in bed and leave it messy for a change. I’ll continue to ask my colleague to zip me up. I’ll change my own light-bulbs once in a while and take out my own trash. I want to live my life to the fullest.
Because what’s a ring without a foundation? What’s a boyfriend without a full commitment? Nothing.
Four-course breakfast and coffee for one? Yes please. 🙂