My friend and I were single, sexy and free. We were always out doing our girl thing together. Finding our Mr. Big was our priority (then). Well, all that changed when she met him. Finally! OMG! She met Mr. Right! Here we are a few years later and I was stunned when she asked for advice because she felt like her relationship was in a rut: “Something is missing. I don’t know what to do but I feel like the relationship is going down the drain. We love each other so much. We couldn’t be apart but sometimes – love is not enough. Help! I feel like the fire is dying”.
First thought: Wow! Who knew?! They looked so mushy and lovely together. WTF! (Why the face!)
Second thought: Most people would say it’s obviously the beginning of the end but I don’t think so. I couldn’t see it. I mean she said they both felt the same: They wanted to try harder to make it work. They both recognize the love for one another. There had to be hope.
I started thinking about the situation. Then I thought about the two individually. They are both brilliant, driven, stable and focused individuals. Both have great jobs, goals and dreams. Which means they share common grounds but what changed? ah! Light bulb moment. Those same exact things that attracted them to one another, now died.
This is what I came up with:
Advice 1: Pursue your passions
Since I felt like the desire to be together was still very strong, I thought about the person she used to be and the person she is now. To start, she is very ambitious. As her friend, she kind of lost that part of her life which is very first thing that attracted him to her. I advised her to stop focusing on the relationship so much and get back into pursuing her dreams. I told her to tweak her schedule a bit so that she would reserve blocks of time throughout the week to strictly work on her passion or even take a course! Leave the love nest and get back on the saddle.
Advice 2: Focus on yourself
We are all guilty of it – it took so long (or what felt like an eternity) to find him/her that we focus too much on losing Mr/Mrs right. This was a sensitive one but I politely said: Listen, the reality is – if he leaves, then he leaves. Point. Blank. Bar. That means, there is someone better for you out there. If he stays, then he will continue to be Mr. Right. Simple as that. The only way for the fire to reignite is for you to focus on the right things. Don’t forget who you are for the sake of keeping someone around. Always remember how much more Mr. Right will love you when he sees you at your full potential instead.
Advice 3: The importance of the “chase”
The chase. Aaaah…the chase. There are different views for this one but mine is not “playing games”. There’s a difference between manipulation to get what you want and demonstrating that you are worthy of it. He should feel like you are his queen. You should feel like he is your king. His life-partner. He should want to run home to tell you about his day and so should you. That’s what I mean…the excitement to end your day at work and start an evening with him/her at night because that’s when your day really starts.
The importance of the chase is as important as the need for a peacock to show its colors. If the peacock has no reason to show its colors then she will go somewhere else where she is appreciated. Men love to chase, women love to play the game. If a man has nothing to chase or if you are as boring as watching paint dry, the relationship will get into a rut. If a woman can’t show her man what he gains by sticking around, then the relationship will also get into a rut. It’s not a game. It’s our natural primal instincts.
See both men and women are guilty of all three of these things. A man wants a woman to desire him in his masculinity and strength. A woman will want to be desired in her femininity and desire him for security and romance. The point is, sometimes, we let the relationship unravel by itself. We go in fast. We are so consumed with emotions that we forget to stop and enjoy the ride. Ever felt like one morning, you wake up confused and shocked up? You wonder how you got here? Not only did you let the relationship do its own magic without any control but to top it off, you forgot about yourself in the mix! Not your proudest moment I know.
Nothing to be ashamed of either. Live and learn right?! So you got too excited? You never expected to find love this good? Maybe you never wanted it or, like in my friend’s case, you were hurt so many times in the past that you come into this relationship fully armed with baggage and great hope. I am telling you what I told my friend – he knows you deserve it but don’t ever forget about yourself. After all, that’s where it all started: In his eyes, you are the perfect partner. That’s why he fell in love with you in the first place. So maintain what you worked so hard for and, like a fine wine, refine it with maturity.