In a relationship, does one love more than the other?
I had the discussion with family and friends on several occasions and I was never fully satisfied with the answers. Family members will say: “You want to marry someone who loves you more because they will treat you like you should be treated – a princess. Which means you will always be happy”. Although I appreciated the love, I still didn’t fully comprehend what “more” meant. Insert a nod and a smile here. I mean…really?!? Isn’t love…love? Why do we need a level of potency when it comes to love? Does it really have to be measured?
So I asked my friends and the answer was: “I don’t know? I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that” or “I never thought about it”. That answer seemed a little more realistic yet still doesn’t make sense. Ok, most are single and dating which means we’ve kissed our fair share of frogs but we’ve all had relationships deemed considered of some kind of serious potential. No? I am still confused…
So how do you measure “more”?
I never thought I’d find the answer to this question until I met a Damon in 2007. He was my first “long-term potential love”. He had the perfect hair, eyes and lips. He met the profile to meet the parents: A young professional lawyer with a bright future ahead of him, bilingual, well-spoken, well-traveled, the confidence of a real man (not the cocky kind), tall, light and very handsome. (sigh) As a couple, we had a lot in common. We could talk and stare at each other for hours. We had very similar values and future goals and it just seemed like we were going along the same path. Most importantly, I felt like I was his priority. Yes! It was that dreamy.
I had never experienced that much love in a relationship before so I carefully slipped a couple toes before jumping in with both feet. But when I did…It was intoxicating!!! I let go of that wall and I just found myself loving more and more every day. We were inseparable. Problem is, I found myself loving “more” then he did. I never thought it was possible! He would occupy my mind and my every move. He became the focus of my entire being. You know that love that makes you lose yourself and become an emotional servant without event wanting to be? Although I had a lot of pride and did it with some class, often we (as woman) give off this energy that pushes people away. And that’s exactly what happened. Then, of course, it all came crashing down and all of a sudden, our plans of moving together in another city, having beautiful children with curly hair running in our backyard and growing old and rich together disappeared.
There were so many questions running through my head: what HAPPENED?! How can this all go wrong? He’ll come back…he loooooves me! 8 months of unbearable pain and sorrow passed while he had moved on and moved out of the city with another girl. I grew so tired of sobbing over Damon, I slapped myself hard and smartened up. I was exhausted! Tired of being angry, tired of crying and tired of reflecting on what I could have done to make it better.
One day, I woke up to find myself lighter. I stopped crying and realized it wasn’t about him! It wasn’t about what we had or how I could have been better at accepting all his love and controlling my emotions in return. It was about me! I had put myself in this position. I did this to ME. Yes we loved each other but the reality is: we did love each other “more” at different times in our relationship but not necessarily at the same time.
So if you ask me what loving “more” means, I will tell you this: it’s needing someone emotionally in a way that you don’t or will never quite need them. It’s letting half of a relationship always have the upper hand on this love power struggle. It’s always having this underlying and quiet humiliation of being emotionally dependent of someone that doesn’t feel the same way. It’s loving your partner more and loving yourself less and less every day. It’s knowing that you will do anything for that affection as a reward. It’s convincing them that you deserve their love.
For some, it might make sense to be in a relationship like this where you forget about yourself and the other person becomes your entire center. For me, I look for balance. I want to need someone for certain things and my other half to need me for other things. I want to know my capabilities and his. I want to understand where my limits end and his strengths begin. Why? Because nobody deserves to live as someone they think their partner wants them to be. Be yourself. Be balanced.
Be good, do good.