Should you be friends with an ex?

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Is it possible to switch an ex’s relationship status? Could you move him from “romantic interest” to your “buddy” inbox?


Personally, I think not. I think an ex is an ex for a reason. You crossed him out of your life to make way for your future. Let me explain…


I was going on different dates and I tried to be friends with someone I once loved. You know? The ex turned buddy? The one you try to make him that guy friend you can share things with? Like all of a sudden you think it’s ok to share your new romantic encounters, your aspirations in life and how you’ve learned so much about yourself in the past years?! Anyways, I thought we were bonding and so, I really enjoyed his company. To me, it was so refreshing! I mean, I could talk to this guy about almost anything. Mostly, I felt so lucky to have that bond with a man. I have always been real and admired/respected people more when they tell me things like it is. So, I was craving that men perspective on things. Being able to share with him my deepest feelings on my last dates and expect genuine reactions was…priceless. Sometimes, your girlfriends are…well… a little too nice. They will go to the extent of telling you things like: “He will call”, “he likes you” or “I’ve got a good feeling girl…this is the one”. Although you understand their perspective – they obviously don’t want to be the barriers of bad news but deep down inside it’s not always true. Often times the truth doesn’t feel good but it’s still a reality you have to deal with. (Enter my ex turned buddy) I felt like after hearing what the girls had to say, I could always run to him for the truth.


After only a few weeks of friendship, something happened – he realized he still had feelings and felt almost protective of me. Now I’m not sure if it was all the sharing and the bad experiences I was having that turned him into mush but…I was shocked! So, again, I had to be very transparent in my response: “I do not see a future between us but I enjoy your company as a friend??” (Insert raised eyebrows here). Apparently that didn’t work cause he kept pursuing anyways. I felt awkward about it and found my new predicament quite ambiguous. Why couldn’t we just be friends? I thought selfishly….I was happy with what we had. From that point on, I was always worried about his next move. I thought – “Is he going to try to kiss me? Jump on me and dry hump me? Why is he taking me to this particular restaurant? This looks too romantic…” sigh. EXHAUSTING!


Paranoia?  Actually no. Let’s be real: The vibe I was getting was that while we are sharing tapas on this friendly date at this “I’m-supposed-to-pretend-this-is-not-a romantic-restaurant”, I felt like he was planning this whole porn star scene in his head in which I was the star! That’s it. I couldn’t do it. That was the tipping point for me. I had to cut all ties after yet another “its not you…its me but we both know its really you” conversation.


Years later, the friendship frequency diminished. We were barely texting and very rarely saw each other.  I felt like he just wouldn’t let this friendship go so I vowed to not see him for months at a time. Our friendship was now a quarterly affair. Every time I saw him from then on, I was still intrigued and I still had questions about that specific night. Was I paranoid or was he trying to seduce me?  Let’s wait for the appropriate time. One day, while catching up, I discovered that he was in a somewhat relationship with this girl he cared deeply about. They were still trying to figure things out. I thought…can this be the moment I have been waiting for? Like the feeling you get when you’re in a rush to put away your flat-iron but you want to make sure it’s not too hot before you place it in that drawer…its safe now! Let’s do it! So I asked my many questions and he admitted to trying to trick me into falling in love with him again (insert slow clap here). I knew it! I was so not surprised. I felt it. I felt like he was trying to show me something as if he was desperately trying to sell me his value. Like he was the top choice for me. I saw a cave man fight in my head in that moment. He was in a personal battle with the other guys I was trying to date at the time. Cute you think? Its only cute if both parties feel the same. Unfortunately I didn’t.


So if you ask me, I don’t believe in a relationship with an ex. My conclusion of this experience makes me feel like it only makes things awkward. I think we forget that situations like these are not just about us, they are also about our new love interest and our friends. Everyone is unsure, unclear or cautious all of a sudden and most of the time it makes things really weird for your new love. Why add uncertainty in something fresh and new? Or make your friends feel awkward because they don’t know how to label you two?


Truthfully, there will always be an ex that secretly makes you the super star in their porn video. Whether it’s you or him but one of you will always have more feelings then the other. Someone will always get hurt. They may not share that information with you right away and would much rather cry silently by fear of losing you but in the end, who are we kidding?


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