So many years of dating (ergh)!!!! I am exhausted, emotionally drained, confused and dissatisfied with my love life. Ever feel like you are in total love-despair? Once I cried every possible tear out of my body, I tried stopping the memories of these ugly recurring patterns in past relationships then I managed to find the courage to take my face off (or what was left of it). I couldn’t stop telling myself: It’s always the same story except with a different guy in a different year. So I made myself a tea, put on my ugly yet super comfy pyjamas and I followed my train of thoughts with: Wait…what was that? Why am I crying? Knowingly that every time I ask myself a question that starts with “what?” or “why?”, most times, I know the exact answer to my questions. Wait for it…wait…There it is! Underneath the exhaustion and the years of resentment, I felt used and mentally abused. I felt bruised and powerless. Here I am a couple of weeks after my 34th birthday alone with my thoughts. I felt accomplished, educated, healthy, capable and strong yet all 5 of these merits could not outweigh this one-big-stinking elephant in my living room: SINGLE. Maybe it was the inevitable self-reflection I put myself through every year…every birthday? I question myself, start a new food and cash diet, make a cleaning of my closet, question my friendships, my relationships with my family, I clean out my office (because THIS year…it’ll be different damn it! ) Whatever triggered this…I had to get to the bottom of it.
Then I thought: I finally know what Pig-Pen (Charlie Brown) feels inside. I, too, was attracting dirt and filth. I was angry but mostly at myself. I mean, the common denominator is me. This was my entire fault. I had gone through enough relationships to know and to keep myself away from pas relationship issues. Still, here I am, attracting the worst men out there because I secretly think that – that’s what I deserve. Maybe that’s one of my underlying requirements: MUST HAVE DRAMA. It all makes some kind of sense to me now.
I think we often look for things that we know. Good or bad. We are attracted to what feels comfortable because it’s known territory. I am in my current situation because I have put myself in this mess. Mama’s always said: “We only get in life what we put in”. I get it now. I was always attracted to the known! Even though I was wise enough to smell a problem, my inner Mother Theresa would kick in and I would feel like I could conquer the world by fixing him or fixing us. Again, looking for the cozy and cushy. I had been so busy fixing my relationships (every single one of them) that I never took a step back to look at the patterns of all my relationships as a whole. I only ever focused on making things better or a specific partner always with the hopes that this would be it. He has to be the one!
You might read this and think: maybe I have high standards, maybe I don’t know what I want and/or maybe I am dreaming and looking for something that doesn’t exist because it is IMPOSSIBLE that all of the men I dated were wrong for me? Let me bring you some clarity. Although, it very well may be true for some but for others it’s not even close. I try to be very realistic in my decisions of dating a person over another and the more I date the more I don’t know what I want (true that) but the more I know what I don’t want. I am not looking for a perfect relationship like you see in the movies. Then why do I attract these men you would say? Simple – I secretly don’t think I am capable of more or I don’t think I am good enough. This has nothing to do with your self esteem, it has to do with the way you see yourself. So what should I do? I think the solution is to force myself to interact with men and people whom I think are unattainable. You know who they are – these are the people you already create an assumption that you are completely different and you will never understand each other or you don’t have anything in common with them.
While I do that, I am going to stop looking for a life chapter of the “The Notebook”. Instead of looking at relationships as my salvation, I chose me. What if it’s me and only me until the day I die? I like myself and I think “me, myself and I” could live happy ever after. So, I am not looking for prince charming anymore, I am not looking for a knight in shining armour. I am done. I have worked too hard to achieve my goals and fulfil my dreams. I chose me. I chose to be happy with me. Learn to love my flaws, my body and my soul. Because…I am enough.